I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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