ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
