I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
