my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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