i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
