Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
