dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
