i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
