Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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