if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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