True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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