He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
