my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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