You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
