FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
