Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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