i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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