His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
