My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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