when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
