I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
