why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
