I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
