My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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