Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Girls should come with a carfax report
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
