I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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