He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
