dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
