how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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