I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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