Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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