Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Your penis caused this!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
