What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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