My friends, they love my intelligence
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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