hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
