I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
