we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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