At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So squirting runs in the family.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
