I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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