Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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