Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How external is "for external use only"?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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