I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Actions speak louder than pants.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I can't put those talents on a resume
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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