nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
