Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize