You're so nebulous sometimes
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
did i just pee glitter
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
