Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
