I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
