You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
someone owes me an orgasm
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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