My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
