I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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