i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
