The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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