i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
