Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
