And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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